Fifty Shades of Grey – Review #50shadesofgrey

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OMG! Where do I start?
I will try to keep this short, but hell, there’s just no way that’s going to really happen.  I’m lying, okay?
Also, there may be a few spoilers, but honestly, do you care? You’ve probably read the book anyway, so already know what is going to happen. If you haven’t put your blindfold on now.
On one hand it was good to see some kinky implements getting a dust down and a public viewing. Voyeurism is a wonderful thing. This film gives erotica authors hope that smut is still able to pull in the crowds worldwide. Sex sells, right? You just need to look at her book sales to see that… (Ahem! Say no more!)
On the other hand it was like watching a slightly sexier, but flat, version of Bridget Jones’ Diary with no laughs and a stilted. if not gloomy, atmosphere.
I understand he’s “50 shades of fucked up” and she’s a confused vanilla woman who loves him but not his kinks. To have him she must learn to like being his submissive and sign a contract allowing him to do what he wants to her (with the exception of vaginal and anal fisting –.a slightly edgier slant that would have worked better if she had not scribbled it off her hard list – *laughs*). So, yeah, it’s not, as they said in the film, going to be a hearts and flowers relationship.   But the way it was portrayed, I felt something was missing and totally wrong.
For a man with so much self control in ‘everything he does’ he appeared to have a distinct lack of it.  Plying her with alcohol to sway her judgement when discussing his contract, when one of his rules was not to drink much. He is easily angered and jealous; yes it is controlling but not in a safe, sane and consensual way. He even gives her an ultimatum to sign or leave instead of discussing it like two mature adults entering a BDSM relationship. In fact it paints BDSM in a rather bad grey light where nothing is black and white and their whole relationship is one hell of a huge grey area. He looked more abusive considering she was just an inexperienced virgin in the first place. It implies that he is a bad boy only because he didn’t have a very good start in life and that “normal” people would not consider this type of relationship. This is not what a BDSM relationship is all about. It’s quite misleading.
And I hate to sound so shallow, but there just wasn’t enough sex either. Nothing shocking. Nothing twisted. Nothing that would fit the dangerous, very rich but fucked up business man that Mr Grey is supposed to be when satisfying his own needs in private. It was all very ‘married couple experimenting in the bedroom’ stuff, albeit it in a “playroom” setting.
When he said, “I don’t make love, I fuck, hard” my ears pricked up, I sat forward and my stomach fluttered. Maybe he was going to be a delightfully deviant dominant with a few shocking, perhaps disturbing twists that I could talk excitedly on this blog about, after all.
No suck luck!
If “the worst he can do” is beat my bottom with a belt 6 times and make me count each whipping, in exchange for my own room in his penthouse, a personal driver/taxi service, helicopter rides and my own dungeon with lots of vicious toys and of course lots of money to buy more – oh, and not to forget total control and devotion forever more –  then I’d happily bend over before breakfast and after tea and perhaps lunch time when he came home for dinner, too, for a play with his toys. And I had a great childhood.
Toys, I hasten to add, Mr Grey doesn’t really know what to do with, because when Anastasia asked him to do the worst he could to her, he didn’t pick up anything more frightening than his own belt and looked thoroughly ecstatic with his choice to boot. Really, Mr Grey? You are supposed to be intimidating!
To be honest I think there is more chance of “normal people” being scared off by this type of relationship, than encouraged to try it out! After all it implies we are all weirdos with absolutely no self control.
I didn’t like as Jamie Dornan as Mr Grey, he just didn’t seem like Mr.Right to me. But Dakota Johnson  who plays Anastasia was a very good choice for the role and at least she made me happy.
Oh, well. Maybe I should bite the gag and read book two, just to see what to expect from the second film. Or maybe I should just stop being so curious and give up all hope now?
Could Mr Grey really get kinkier and keep his emotions intact when Anna finally accepts her mission and takes her medicine like a good girl?
Will he finally learn the meaning of “after-care” by the next film?
Or am I expecting too much?
Should I just enjoy it for what it really is, a “Bridget-Jones-Meets-the-Wrong-(kind-of-Abusive)-Guy” romance film with a “will they won’t they” slant that has a little more nudity than normal?
So many questions, so few answers.
So many tantalising torturous instruments on display and yet so many of them still gathering dust.
Ok, blindfold off.
Spanking hugs,
Yep, that's me!
P.S. Sorry about the formatting of these paragraphs, I could not get it to look right…

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